Sunday 30 June 2013

Smelly bellies and bleached patios

Last Wednesday, my brother came over for a barbecue. He brought with him a copy of Chat. Is there any better present in the world? So today, I am proud to present to you, The Nonsense From Chat.

First up, a rare occurrence, a story which has been given 10 out of 10 on the shock factor scale.

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And I think I know why. This woman, Jonty, has named her children Kai, Bailey, Skye and Hunter. I'm sorry, Kai and Skye? O, and friends of theirs, a couple called Lee-Anna and Liam. Lee.... Anna.... Leanne?... Whatever.

On the random photos page, there's a lot of good stuff going on. We've got a picture of someone reading Chat on holiday, a picture of a baby asleep, a picture of a baby in a sunhat, a picture of a cat and, best of all, a picture of a cake someone got on their birthday, which had been made to look like a copy of Chat magazine! Epic!

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Next up, we'll visit the top tips page which, I'm sure, is your favourite. It's certainly mine. Our first fabulous tip is to cover an old chair in a pair of jeans. It makes it look better. Apparently.

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You decide.

The next tip is, basically, use a small vacuum cleaner to clean the little bits out of the bottom of your handbag. Thank you, D Thornton from Bournemouth. Where would I be without this tip?

The next tip is put bleach all over your patio to kill the weeds. Boy, do I love a bleach covered patio. The smell, the discolouration on your paving stones. What brilliant advice. Thank you, Julia Wakeford from Romford. You have improved my life immeasurably.

Lastly, stick some sea shells on your wall. Check it out.

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Good, hey?

To finish off today's look inside Chat, we're going to briefly visit the Health pages and one letter in particular. This letter is called 'Whiffy midriff.' Already, you know it's going to be amazing.

It starts with 'My bellybutton pongs!' Get straight to it, Ashley, aged 28. Don't beat around the bush.

'If I put my finger in and sniff it, there's a smell like rotting veg!' Ok, Ashley, 28, what... on.... earth. I'm 28 and I can tell you this for nothing. If I had a smelly bellybutton, Chat would be the last place I'd go for advice. I mean, give Google a try first, maybe? The NHS has a free helpline? Ask friends?

And what is she doing sticking her finger in her bellybutton then smelling it? Unless the bellybutton smell is so strong that she catches a whiff of it while sitting on the sofa then decides to see what's happening, am I suppose that one day she was just eating her dinner, watching TV with her boyfriend and thought, 'I'll quickly smell my bellybutton.' For no reason. And is that something we all do? Am I the stupid one here, for not jabbing my finger in my bellybutton then inhaling the resulting odours?

She finishes the letter by saying, 'My boyfriend says he can't smell it though.' I bet he's not your boyfriend anymore, is he, Ashley, 28?

"Smell my finger, darling."

"What? Why?"

"Just smell it. Go on. Please."

"Um, ok.... Where has it been?"

"In my bellybutton."

"And why do I need to smell it?"

"Cause it smells like rotting veg. Don't you think? Give it a smell. Go on. Tell me what you think."

"Err... No. It's fine. There's... There's nothing wrong with it at all. I'm just, um, going to nip out. Um. To the shops. Yeh, the shops. If I'm not back in a few days, don't call me...."

In conversation with my 18 year old self

Ok, 18 year old me, I'd like you to calm down a little bit. Just.... calm down. You're a bit crazy and all over the place. You'd do well by scaling it back a bit.

Also, I don't want to ruin the dream but that ambition you have, to marry Michael Jackson... That's, um, it's not going to happen unfortunately. I won't tell you why. The other ambition, to see him in concert, also doesn't come true. He does plan a tour in England but, um, he doesn't make it. Again, I won't tell you why.

Also, your expectation that you will have a terribly meaningful and world-changing role in life... yeh, turns out you're a bit ordinary, like everyone else. What a thought, hey?! After all that time being convinced of your own superiority and differentness.

O, and your thing about being 'boring', you hate that idea, right? Hate it. Urgh, imagine being boring, that would be the worst! Well, you're not that bothered anymore. You enjoy the simple pleasures in life - cooking, being outside, growing vegetables, seeing other countries, having lunch with nice friends. Just calm down about the 'boring' thing. It's going to happen. Get over it.

You know how you love going out dancing? In a few years, you won't really 'go out' at all. You hate the idea of being squashed in next to a load of sweaty strangers, actually. You dislike the drunken nonsense that you talk and that other people talk to you. In fact, in about ten years, you'll barely consume alcohol at all, a few times a year maybe. It's better that way, trust me. We both know what we get like with a drink in us.

And you don't wear make up at all. I know, after all that time poking your eyes out, trying to work out how to wear eye liner. No, you don't wear anything now. You're too lazy. Sorry to break it to you but you'd rather spent the time in the morning having a cup of tea and blogging than poking your eyes out.

Yeh, you're a 'blogger' now. You're mad for it! You're one of those. One of those sad people who thinks others want to read about the minutae of their everyday life. Yup.

And tea is very important to you. Very. Important.

You'll run off to Africa soon, little Laura. And it will be fabulous. You'll be enthused. You'll be good at something. You'll be in your element. For the next ten years after your gap year, you'll refer back to it as a time of excitement and adventure. Just a few words of warning though - don't get too excited by your new friends who take you in on the first night, they'll drift away in a few months; also, please try and eat better - a plate of rice with some sweetcorn mixed in does not constitute a real meal, unfortunately; another thing, you're going to mess up the article for the Namibian Independence Day by sleeping through the celebrations, shame on you.

And now, last but not least, F. Scott Fitzgerald still rocks your world. That fact is unchanged throughout your life. They make a new film of The Great Gatsby with Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm going to let you watch it for yourself and make your own mind up....

The pub quiz (part 2)

On Tuesday last week, Danda and a friend and I decided it was time we went and won the pub quiz cause the prize was £490. So we went. And we won. And they gave us some drinks vouchers and kept the money. Apparently the way they do it, so you have to get picked from a hat to win, is called a 'snowball' prize.

We did not get picked from the hat so we didn't get a chance to answer the question or win the money. We were gutted.

So, three days ago, with new resolve, we decided it was time to go and win that money. Off we went, to the pub quiz, to get that money.

We were answering the questions really well. The inventor of something or other was called Birdseye... True. What was Fred Flintstone's favourite sport? Bowling. What did the Earl of Sandwich create whilst gambling? The sandwich. Et cetera. Et cetera.

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We missed a few more than last time because there wasn't a customer from the deli helping out after having a few drinks, like last time. But overall, we ended up with half a point more than we had the previous week, when we won.

The quizmaster came around to collect the papers and we looked at him, hopefully. He looked at our score.

"Is ours the highest score?" we asked.

"It is, yeh." He only had one more paper to collect so we were hopefully we could win.

"But you know you get docked five points, right," he said, as though it were no big deal.

My face fell. Danda laughed at my devastated face and described me as "a kid who's had all her sweets taken away."

"Why?" I asked, in confusion.

"Because you won last week."

So now we are to be penalised for being clever?! We've answered those questions and we've got that score. Stop bullying us! Give us our 96.5 points!

It's hard being penalised for having a massive brain and winning at everything.

So when he added everything up and read out the scores, we came second... Rude.

And then we didn't get picked out of the hat to answer the question to win the money. We didn't actually know the answer anyway.

We've decided that next week is our week. We'll win the quiz then we'll get the question and we'll get the money and then we'll be loaded and I'll go off and buy a farm. That's right. A farm. With my one third of the £510 prize....

Chillin' at NASA. As you do.

Recently, whilst in Texas, I found myself at a loose end for a day so my auntie and I decided to go to the NASA space station.

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I knew my mind was going to be blown and it was.

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First, we went into a little theatre and watched a short film about the beginnings of space travel. To the right of the screen was the actual lecturn, behind which Kennedy gave the famous speech about the US joining the space race, you know? You know the one? (I sure hope you do because, until I saw this short film, I did not know it.)

Next there were lots of space-type things, like spaceships and space buggies that had been in space.

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Then we saw some moon rocks. Obviously. Obviously there were moon rocks. I'm always hanging out with moon rocks. Just an ordinary day in my life....

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Then there was a little bit of moon rock in a glass box and you could put your hand in the box and touch the moon rock! I have touched a peice of rock from the moon! A little bit of something off something that is 250,000 miles away! 250,000!

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My mind. It is blown.

Then we went on a tour thing round the space centre. We visited the control room that was in use from 1962 to 1975.

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Then we went to see the Saturn V rocket, which was massive.

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That dark bit on the front (left of the picture) is where the astronauts stay. All the other bits are detached and stay in space.

After that, we had something to eat and went back to digest all the information. I still haven't though....

June 26th

So it’s the 26th June today. Is that a special day for you? Do you remember it for any reason?: perhaps someone’s birthday; perhaps an anniversary; perhaps special for some other reason like starting a job or moving house or whatever.

I thought I’d look at the day and see if anything of interest happened back in history. It’ll just be a random selection of things which I think were important at the time they happened but which we’re probably not aware of having happened on this day, 26th June.

Here goes then:

1284 – After not having been paid for ridding the town of rats, The Pied Piper of Hamelin allegedly led 130 children out of the town; they disappeared and were never seen again. Interestingly a singer by the name of Crispian St. Peters had a UK hit with a song called The Pied Piper at the end of March 1966; it stayed in the charts for 13 weeks and peaked at number 5; it topped the charts in Canada in July that year. (It was a follow-up to You Were On My Mind earlier that year which got to no.2.) Also I reckon you probably don’t know that Bob Marley’s wife Rita covered the song in 1966. I think it’s a bit strange that there is a pop song about a guy who convinces over 100 kids to follow him and they’re never seen again! Hmmm.. not what you’d immediately think of as a subject for a very happy jolly song-a-long tune.

Here’s the Crispian St. Peters link. Note the pipe seems to have been, not very cleverly, replaced by a laundry basket! Now what’s all that about?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r0zoEBba1Y

If you fancy a read of Robert Browning’s poem about the Pied Piper then here’s the link. For some reason he gives the year as 1376 but the official Hameln town website goes with 1284. It may take you a few minutes to get through as there are 303 lines but they’re fairly short and I wonder how many of you have ever read the whole thing:

http://www.indiana.edu/~librcsd/etext/piper/text.html

Or if you want to listen to someone else read it and imbue it with a bit of emotion then try these 2 Youtube vids (Parts 1 & 2) which have some nice watercour pics to go along with the sound.

Part 1 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54lZYdjeojQ

Part 2 - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzsCUUjqnVg

1483 Richard Duke of Gloucester began his reign as Richard III. There is a lot on our TVs at the moment about the Tudor period and particularly the various claims to the English throne during the 15th century. It’s believed that Richard got rid of those who stood in his way to the throne of England. His brother Edward IV died through ill health and his other brother George, Duke of Clarence was tried for treason against Edward IV and executed in the Tower of London. That left only the two sons of Edward IV (and Elizabeth Woodville) who had a right to the throne before Richard. He had them imprisoned in the Tower and soon after no more was seen of them: they are often referred to as ‘The Princes in the Tower’. Rumours abound on their fate but the consensus seems to be that Richard III had them killed so that he could become the next in line. The murder of 3 of his family members then enabled him to become King of England; and after all that scheming & plotting his reign lasted just two years. Despite outnumbering Henry’s (future Henry VII) forces by 3:1 Richard was killed in the Battle of Bosworth Field on 22nd August 1485; Henry’s victory brought to a close the medieval period and ushered in 118 years of the Tudor Dynasty (1485-1603).

1824 - William Thompson (Lord Kelvin) was born. You remember he invented the Kelvin scale of temperature measurement. Centigrade goes from 00 - 1000; for the same range, Fahrenheit goes from 320 - 2120; Kelvin is not a scale in the same way as 0C or 0F but has the absolute zero temp as minus 2730C.

1827William Crompton, inventor of the spinning mule died aged 74. While still only young when his father died he had to work to support the family. He was taught to spin yarn on what was called a “spinning jenny”. Whilst working with this he had an idea of how to improve it and used his spare time and money in developing it.

1843 Britain declared Hong Kong a crown colony. It was of course given back to the Chinese in 1997.

1846 The Corn Laws were passed in Britain. Their purpose was to protect British cereal farmers from the cheap imports in the period 1815-46. However they didn’t work because by keeping the price up (and therefore the profits of the landowners) the average working man could not afford to buy enough to survive. Workers demonstrated demanding higher wages; there were strikes and riots. Eventually the government gave in and in 1846 the law was repealed.

1898Wilhelm Emil Messerschmitt was born. As you see by his name he is the designer of the aircraft named after him. More Messerschmitts were built than any other fighter aircraft in history and they played a key role in WW2.

1906 The first Grand Prix motor race took place at Le Mans. It was run on closed roads outside the city. The original circuit was just over 64 miles (103kms) round. They had to do 6 laps on each of two consecutive days so the total distance was 769 miles (1238kms). The winner was the Hungarian driver, Ferenc Szisz. Today’s circuit is approx ⅛ of the original at just over 13kms (almost 8.5 miles). The distance covered, over the 24 hours, has gradually increased from the 3,000 kms of the early 1930s to the current record (achieved in 2010) of 5,410 kms (3,360 miles). To give you an idea, it’s like driving overland from London to beyond Baghdad (Iraq) or almost as far as Tehran (Iran) or beyond Nouakchott, the capital of Mauretania on the west coast of Africa and almost to Saint Louis just across the border in Senegal or believe it or not to Moscow and back IN A DAY! WOW!!

1926 – Queen Elizabeth II was born. Her current reign, as of today, has lasted 61 years 157 days. In terms of living monarchs, only Rama IX (of Thailand) has reigned longer (just over 67 years). In terms of British monarchs she is also second: Queen Victoria is a couple of years ahead at 63 years 216 days.

1945 – In San Francisco the United Nations Charter was signed by 50 countries. In its preamble one of the stated aims of the organisation was, “to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind…”. What a great pity this hasn’t happened. We may have avoided a Third World War but there are plenty of little ones going on all over our world today and thousands are still dying as a result of them.

1959 – The Queen and President Dwight Eisenhower opened the 2,300 mile St Lawrence Seaway linking the Atlantic Ocean with Duluth, Minnesota on the SW shore of Lake Superior. It had cost $470 million to build and 6,500 people had had to be resettled as their villages were to be flooded. In addition to homes and farms, 17 churches and 18 cemeteries (involving over 2,000 bodies) had to be relocated.

1963 – John F. Kennedy made a speech in West Berlin expressing solidarity with the West Germans there. His famous phrase Ich bin ein Berliner is known across the world and whilst not meant literally as obviously he was American it meant he wanted those in the western section of the city to know that he was of a similar mind and against the Russian governed eastern section. The Berlin Wall was begun in 1961 and, after much political change, was eventually demolished in 1989; reunification of West and East Germany took place in October 1990.

1975 – Sonny & Cher’s divorce became final. Although they seemed to have been around for a long time it might surprise you to know that their chart successes as a duo were concentrated into just a couple of years: 3 singles in 1965, 5 in 1966, 1 in 1967, 1 in 1972. There were only two chart albums: 1 in 1965 & 1 in 1966.

1984George Horace Gallup was born. He was the inventor of what is called the Gallup Poll which is a statistical method of doing a survey which can then be used to project what public opinion may be on a certain subject. I can remember many years ago that each time a survey was mentioned in a news broadcast on some national issue it was quoted as the result of a Gallup Poll. It seemed that the media endorsed the results almost as proof! I never knew it was named after an actual bloke at the time.

1986 – Richard Branson left New York on his powerboat Virgin Atlantic Challenger to try and break the record for the fastest crossing of the Atlantic Ocean. The holder of the title is said to have The Blue Riband. He did it by arriving 2 hours faster than the previous record holder the SS United States. However he cannot claim the Blue Riband officially because that award is for vessels in service (his was not) and they are not allowed to stop for fuel (which his team did). Nevertheless it was the fastest time to cross from America to England.

2000The international Human Genome Project and a U.S. company, Celera Genomics announced the completion of a working draft of the human genetic blueprint (the Book of Life).

NYC in pictures

I'm a little tired and a little hurried this morning so, for lack of time, I'm just going to give you a quick look at my recent whistle stop in NYC.

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The time we went to the pub quiz

I've mentioned my need to win the lottery before, in passing. It's recently become quite essential that I win, because of my need to become a beekeeper/farmer/chef. The only way I can really pursue this is to not be constrained by small irritations like paying the rent.

About ten days ago, my friend and I saw a sign for the local pub's pub quiz. The prize was £470!

Amazing, we thought, it will be like winning the lottery. Only smaller. Much, much smaller.

And so the plan was made. We would go to the pub quiz, Danda and my friend and I. And we would win. And then we would each have a third of the £470. And we would be rich. And be able to quit our jobs and keep bees.

Off we went, last Tuesday, with our brains in gear. We have four university degrees between us and a whole host of varying life experience. We were going to smash this!

And it got started. Where is the PM's Buckinghamshire residence? Chequers! Boom! We were on fire (actually, Danda was the only one on the team who knew that but never mind).

Next question. Who sang Dancing In The Moonlight? Toploader! Boom!

Where does the Council of Europe sit? Strasbourg! Boom!

We stumbled on a few but a lovely/drunk customer from the deli enlightened us with his Star Trek knowledge and on we went, getting a surprisingly large amount of the answers right.

It took forever to read the answers out and mark them, then announce the winners. He started with the last place team... Not us! Fab.

Seventh place... Not us. Woop!

Finally he got to the second place team..... And it was us. Gutted.

First place team only got one and a half points more than us. But wait! What's this?! They had too many members on their team so they've been docked two points!

So we've won! Yessssssss! YES! YES YES YES! WE WON! AAAH! We're rich! Bring it on! We sat back, grinning from ear to ear.

But then something was happening up front. Someone's name was being picked out of a hat. Someone from a different team. He was asked a question to win the money... Wait a minute. The money is ours, surely?

No, the lady at the next table explained. Winning the quiz doesn't mean you win the money. You just win vouchers. To win the money, you have to get picked out of the hat and answer the mystery question right.

Erm. Excuse me. This is two hours of my life I can never get back. Where's my money?

Anyway, the guy who got picked out of the hat didn't get the question right so the money rolled over to next week.

And us? Well, we won vouchers. And respect. Obviously. But the problem with the vouchers is that Danda is teetotal and I don't really drink at all either. And the quizmaster couldn't find the proper vouchers so he hand wrote us two vouchers each.

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Fair enough, it was tons of fun and I'd definitely go again and we got free sandwiches afterwards. And now my friend had six drinks vouchers and can get drunk at the next quiz.

But I'll guess we'll keep playing the lottery.

Borage, borage, borage

In light of my new foraging fun (I now forage at least once a week to make soup for Danda and I), I have got a book called Food For Free by Richard Mabey and am looking into things like edible flowers. I saw some beautiful photographs of borage and realised I'd seen it around quite a bit but not realised what I was looking at nor that I could eat it. And it looks beautiful on a plate of light summery fun, a salmon fillet perhaps and some greens. With some beautiful borage on the top.

In honour of this new discovery, I have composed some poetry. I would describe my style as philosophical and thought-provoking.

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Borage, borage, borage

There's a garden down the road with some borage,
I wish I had some borage,
I'd eat that borage with my porridge,
I'd have a breakfast of borage porridge.

I'd like to forage that borage,
I wish I had borage like that borage,
I think it's my favourite borage,
And boy, do I like to forage!?
I'd like to forage that borage.
For my porridge.

Forage, borage, porridge.

Things that blow my mind

Space. It is literally mindblowing. There so much of it. There are so many universes and planets and stars and it goes on and on. When that guy skydived from space to earth... My mind EXPLODED! Sometimes I can't even watch space programmes on TV because there is SO much to understand, I don't even know where to start. It's so epic.

Telescopes. Same as space, sort of. I just can't believe how I can look in a little tube thing in my garden and see something quite clearly that is a billion billion hundred million miles away in the sky. (Don't quote me on that figure.)

Bees. Of the last ten days on my blog, I think four have been about bees. They're so amazing.

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The Romans. The fact that so much of what they made survives today. The fact that they got to so many places around the world. The systems they invented which still exist today, eg the rule of law.

The people at Pompeii. Because that's real actual people who were actually alive two thousand actual years ago. And actually had lives and walked around Pompeii as real people and lived there. Actually lived there. Mind blowing.

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I asked Danda what he thought I should write next and he said, "Danda."

I asked, "Cause you drive a taxi so well?"

He said, "No, because I just blow your mind. I'm just amazing. I'm just. Amazing. And I make a good cup of tea."

Now, this is true. He does make a good cup of tea. So he is allowed on the list.

Friday 21 June 2013

Things Mimi says

Some of you may remember my colleague, Mimi, from the day she fell off a stepladder at work or the time we hugged goodbye after our shift. Mimi's a straight-talkin kinda gal. She don't take no nonsense. And she speaks her mind. It often makes for much fun at work. Here are just a few examples of the things she says.

Me: Can I get a Californian club on granary bread please?
Mimi: You sounded like a dalek then.
Me: Alright.
*a minute later, Mimi's face appears from out of the kitchen*
Mimi: Laura, what was that order?
Me: (laughing) Have you forgotten it already? I only just gave it to you!
Mimi: I know but I was thinking about daleks.

Manager: I got this new top in town. What do you think?
Other staff: Oo, nice! Lovely.
Me: I like the pattern around the neck.
Customer: O, nice colour! It'll suit you.
Mimi: It looks cheap.

Me: Bees are so amazing.
Mimi: O, alright! Enough about the bees!
(I had mentioned them once.)

Mimi: O no! Kitchen bogies!
Me: What are kitchen bogies?
Mimi: When you've been in the kitchen all day cooking so your bogies look wierd.
Me: Ummm...

Mimi: I'm going to be a lady for my new year's resolution. I'm not ladylike enough. So I'm going to be a lady from now on.
*three minutes later*
Mimi: (burps)

Thursday 20 June 2013

Making a beeswax candle

There's not a lot to it but I thought I'd show you as we ended the second day of the beekeeping course by doing it and it was lots of fun.

It's not complicated at all. When you have a manmade hive, you get frames to fit into the boxes and these will each have a sheet of wax made from melted down beeswax and moulded into sheets that the bees will build cells onto.

When you get some of these wax sheets, instead of putting them into the frames, you can make candles out of them! It's much quicker than dipping wicks into hot wax over and over again and it's less faff. Check it out.

You start with a sheet of wax and a wick.

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You stick the wick down and curl the end of the sheet over it, like so...

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You keeping curling the end over and over till at last it picks up momentum and you can just roll the whole thing up.

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You can then warm the edge a little and smooth it down...

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....giving you a fully working candle with just a few minutes of work...

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Ta dah!

Wednesday 19 June 2013

10 words (part 3)

It's Wednesday and time for my guest blogger to take over today :-)

 

10 WORDS - 3

Well it’s roughly 3 months since I did my last 10 words post (and about 3 months before that the first one) so here goes with a third lot. But just before I get into the new words I thought it might be good to just list the previous ones. How many meanings you can remember?

(19.12.12) 10 Words - 1: Scrofulous, Saponifying, Manticora, Nutation, Costive, Smörgåsbord, Panemone, Leitmotif, Rhabdomancy, Scrimshaw.

(20.03.13) 10 Words - 2: Chthonian, Sisyphean, Anaglyptography, Dendrochronology, Agitprop, Fomites, Voroni Diagram, Uxorious, Prolegomena, Armigerous.

Here we go:

1. TAPHEPHOBIA - (From p.26 in March 2013 edition of magazine called Wonderpedia)

It means: the fear of being buried alive.

The sentence in the magazine is simply explaining its meaning so no need to quote it here.

2. GARDEROBE – (This is from p.483 of The Forbidden Queen by Anne O’Brien)

It means: a wardrobe or its contents, an armoury, a private room, a privy.

Now that’s quite a spread of meanings so I think you have to gauge the right one by the context. Clearly the word is of French origin and at first glance would appear to suggest a place to keep (garde) a robe or clothing. Whilst this is definitely one of its meanings, in the use quoted below it probably refers to something which was a forerunner of our modern day toilet (so the privy definition). Some medieval castles had a simple hole which went through the wall into either a cesspit or the moat. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t a good idea to try and escape by swimming across the moat; it could easily have contained untold amounts of human faeces

Here’s a picture of one built in a castle in England.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Garderobe,_Peveril_Castle,_Derbyshire.jpg

Certain types of Middle Eastern dhows, even today, still have a small box built onto the stern which crew members can crouch down in so that the waste (number 2s!) goes out into the water. You can see them along the Creek in Dubai and other ports around the Arabian Gulf. (Colloquially, they were called “thunder boxes” when I was there.)

And here’s how it’s used in the book:

“I groaned with the pain, retching into the garderobe until my belly was raw and then I was driven to my chamber with curtains pulled to douse me in darkness until I could withstand the light once more.”

3. TERGIVERSATION– (This is from p.64 of the BBC History Magazine, Apr 2013)

It means: the turning of one’s back, desertion, changing of sides, shuffling, shifting

And here’s how it’s used (in the review of a book by J. Patrick Corby):

“Corby describes his target audience as college students, and the opening survey of European History, and the introductory tone of much of his prose appears to confirm this. Yet such students might stumble over words like ‘tergiversation’ or baulk at a number of unsubstantiated statements…..”

4. SORTILÈGES - (This is from p.23 of the BBC History Magazine, Apr 2013)

It means: divination by drawing lots.

And here’s how it’s used in an article about Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn:

“Another story, reported third-hand by Chapuys, quotes Henry as telling an unidentified courtier that he had married Anne ‘seduced and constrained by sortilèges’”.

5. HENDIADYS – (This is from p.36 of The Acts of the Apostles by J. A. Alexander)

It means: An expression in which an adjective & noun are replaced by two nouns joined by 'and': e.g. saying someone was ‘clad in cloth & green’ instead of ‘clad in green cloth’.

And here’s how it’s used:

“Ministry & apostleship is not a mere hendiadys meaning apostolic ministry but a generic and specific term combined, the one denoting service in general, the other a particular office.”

A further well-known example can be found in a line in The Lord’s Prayer: “For Thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory”, which is another way of saying, “For Thine is the glorious, powerful Kingdom”. In this case, two adjectives & a noun are replaced by three nouns with the conjunction ‘and’ linking them to give an additional emphasis.

 

6. HAMADRYAD – (This is from p.160 of The Elizabethans by A. N. Wilson)

It means: A wood-nymph which dies when the tree in which she lives dies or a large Ethiopian baboon.

And here’s how it’s used:

“Even the hunting parties were punctuated with pageantry. As she came riding home one evening, she was met by Gascoigne dressed as the Savage Man. On another evening he was Sylvanus, god of the woods, who told her that all the forest dwellers, the fauns, dryads, hamadryads and wood-nymphs were in tears at the rumour that she might be about to leave.”

Here’s a pic of one type of Hamadryad

Try getting that one into your conversation this week!

7. DEMI-MONDAINE – (This is from p.58 of a book called The Love & Wars of Lina Prokofiev)

It means: A kept mistress of society men; shady section of a profession or group; a class of women in an unrespectable social position.

And here’s how it’s used:

“In her first letters from Paris to Serge (Prokofiev), Lina mentions fraternizing with the nineteen year old demimondaine Alice Prin, nicknamed ‘Kiki de Montparnasse.’”

The book gives a very interesting insight into something of the politics & manoeuvrings in the world of classical music composers and the Russian government. Despite Lina’s parents being a Russian-born soprano and a Spanish tenor she does not seemed to have inherited their vocal gift to quite the same degree. She was certainly a singer of merit but never quite reached the pinnacle of her profession and seemed to miss out on crucial roles. Even Prokoviev himself could not emulate the slightly older Stravinsky and although his rivalry with Rachmaninoff, some said, proved he was a better composer he remained less popular than him. Perhaps his most widely known piece is Peter and the Wolf in which Peter is represented by the strings and the wolf by the horns; other instruments represent other animals: the flute a bird, the oboe a duck, the clarinet a cat, the bassoon a grandfather and the woodwind section the hunters.

8. CHIAROSCURO - (This is from Loc 4003 of 5004 in Kindle book - Samuel F. B. Morse (His Letters and Journals))

It means: A painting in black & white; Effects of light & shade or variety & contrast

And here’s how it’s used:

“The story is not told; the figures are not grouped but huddled together; they are not well-drawn individually; the character is vulgar and tame; there is not taste in the disposal of the drapery and ornaments, no effect of chiaroscuro.”

In case you’re wondering about the name, it really is the Morse who invented the Morse code. However Samuel Findley Breese Morse started life as a portrait painter and spent many years doing just that. Born in 1791, he was admitted to the Royal Academy in 1811 but did not develop the Morse Code until into his forties.

9. INELUCTABLY(This is from p.269 of The Love & Wars of Lina Prokofiev)

It means: Not able to be escaped from or avoided

And here’s how it’s used:

“The accounts of women who knew Lina in the camps are ineluctably confused with dates and events overlapping.”

The reference to ‘camps’ here is because Lina Prokofiev was sent to prison (the Gulags), on fabricated charges, for what turned out to be 8 years (after having been sentenced to 20 years). She was incarcerated in various “camps” (for example, Inta, Abez, Yava, Potma) and it is believed only her Christian Science beliefs helped her endure the terrible physical and mental conditions she experienced there. She was released in June 1956 having been helped in her appeal by one of her husband’s rivals - the composer Shostakovich. (Prokofiev himself had died in 1953.) She was finally able to emigrate from Russia in 1974 and settled in England. She died in London, in 1989, aged 91.

10. STERTOROUSLY – (This is from p.193 of The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists by Robert Tressell)

It means: With a snoring sound

And here’s how it’s used:

“She sat up very late, sewing, and when at length she did go upstairs she found him lying on his back, partly undressed on the outside of the bedclothes, with his mouth wide open, breathing stertorously.”

This is a weighty tome at just short of 600 pages set in about 1906. Although obviously allegorical it pointedly uses quite ordinary names for the workers: Owen, Philpot, Barrington, Easton, Sawkins etc. However the bosses, companies and other important officials of town council of Mugsborough get such names as: Rushton, Crass, Slyme, Dauber & Botchit, Makehaste & Sloggit, Bluffem & Doemdown, Snatcher & Graball, Smeariton & Leavit; even some of the ladies are given disparaging ‘names’ like Mrs M. T. Head, Mrs Knobrane & Mrs Starvem. You get the idea.

And finally:

In 1946, George Orwell wrote an essay called “Politics and the English Language”. In it he highlighted something very relevant to writers and politicians. I’d like to finish with his quote:

“The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink.”

Tuesday 18 June 2013

Beekeeping (day 2)

Last Sunday was day 2 of the beekeeping course in London that I started the week before. And the second day was no less amazing than the week before.

We learned primarily about swarming and that is what I shall talk about here.

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A bee colony will naturally want to swarm because that is how they reproduce. One colony will split into two and they will each go on living their lives.

When a colony gets bigger, the bees at the outer edge will have less of the 'queen bee substance' as they are quite far away from her. If they get too far, they will think there is no queen and they will panic and start building queen cells. The queen is under instruction from the colony so will have to go and lay eggs there.

It is at this point that she gets ready to swarm, as she sees it is her time to leave (usually around the three year mark). Off she goes, taking all the flying (foraging) bees with her and we will deal with her in a moment.

Left behind are the 'house bees', who are worker bees who are not yet going out foraging and the queen bee cells. They will build more than one to give themselves a good chance that at least one will produce a queen. If the first queen emerges and she sees there are other queen bees developing in their cells, to get rid of the competition, she will go outside the cell, make a noise and if there is a response from inside, she knows there is a bee growing so she stings it to kill it.

If, however, one of these queen bees emerges and there are two in the hive, they will either have a full on fight to the death or the hive will choose sides and kill the unlucky one by crowding around her so the temperature rises and cooks her to death. Or they will sting her to death. Nice.

The half of the colony that left earlier, will hang out somewhere temporarily while you, the beekeeper, catch them (hopefully) and take them to a new hive. This can be a real headache if they're in a neighbour's garden or if they go somewhere high up and you can't reach them or if you catch the colony but the queen bee is left behind so they will just fly back to her at the first opportunity. There are a whole host of potential problems.

But the clever beekeeper has a way of convincing them they have already swarmed by simply moving the whole hive about 400ft away and putting a new hive in the spot where the old hive was. You then take the frame which has the queen bee on it and put it into the the new hive. When the foraging bees go out to collect nectar and pollen, they will return to the new hive as it is where their old hive was. Thus, you have the queen bee and all the foraging bees in a new hive. And ta fa! The bees think they have swarmed!

The bees left behind are the house bees and the eggs, which is how it would have been if there had been a natural swarm. Everyone is happy.

And no-one's children have swarms on their bikes! Woop woop!

We also saw an extraction machine, which basically spins around the wax frame sheets, causing the honey to fly out and run off. We also tasted tons of different honeys, my favourite being the heather honey and the manuka.

My mind is blown. Yet again. Bees are my heroes.

Monday 17 June 2013

Tissue paper and jumper shavers

Now, readers, you know I never leave you with just one look into your favourite magazine. Yesterday's laughing dormouse was just the beginning. It's time today to visit everyone's favourite section. It's the 'Blimey! That's clever!' section.

Check out some of these top tips. And boy, are they 'top'!?

Firstly, put pegs on the greaseproof paper in your cake tin so it doesn't rip when you pour the batter in.

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What on earth is her greaseproof paper made of?! Tissue?! Who's greaseproof paper rips when simply pour the cake mix in? Mine certainly doesn't. It's quite sturdy. It's made to take the heat from an oven and then the weight of the cake as I lift it out afterwards. It wouldn't rip just from putting the batter in.

Next up, shave your jumper if it's got fluff on it.

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Or just use cellotape? Quicker. And then you can throw it away.

No, wait, maybe it would be better to shave my jumper. Because it would be great next time I'm shaving my legs or Danda's shaving his face, to have the added fun of fluff left behind on one's leg/face. I mean, what fun! Right?

And last but not least, the fabulous too-much-time-on-your-hands, make-extra-work-for-yourself method of DVD storage.

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So, let me get this straight - instead of just going to the DVD collection and looking for the one you want, instead you go to your list and find the name of the DVD you want and what raffle ticket number it is. Then you go to your DVD collection and look for the raffle ticket number.

If you love order and filing, maybe I could just suggest something to cut the workload down? Put them in alphabet order. Simple. That way, you just think of what the name of the DVD is, say it's Conair, then you just look to the beginning of the collection and what do you know?! You'll see DVDs beginning with C and there it will be.

My goodness, I'm a genius!

Sunday 16 June 2013

Laughing dormice and sock monkeys

Chat magazine was amazing this week. It really excelled itself. I hardly know where to start.

The first page has a picture of a dormouse...

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And says 'Perhaps someone just told him the joke about the chicken crossing the road!' I mean, really now. That's clutching at straws a bit, isn't it? What would a chicken have to do with a dormouse?

I imagine this was written late at night and the editor was like, "Guys, what does this mean? Why would a dormouse laugh at a chicken joke?" And the others just went, "O, just let it go. We're all knackered and dying to go home. Just put it in. Stop going on about it. Who cares if it makes no sense?" The editor, convinced by this persuasive argument, shrugged and let it pass, but not before adding "If you like our laughing dormouse, check out this video of a llama who also can't stop chuckling..." and a website address. O, stop fussing. No, not of it makes sense. We know that. But it's all animally so just, shh, just let it go.

Next up, the photos page and this...

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Yeh. A 'sock monkey.' Who doesn't love a good sock monkey, I ask you. Despite, the fact that none of this makes sense (maybe I should have read the issue they're talking about), it's just stuffed in there, amongst the other photos. Someone made someone else a sock monkey and they love it. Here's a photo of it. Well, thank you Chat. Thank you indeed. Where would we be with these little essential titbits of information, hey?

Next up, a dog pulling tongues....

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That's it. It's a dog. It's pulling tongues. Fab.

I'm not going to dwell to much on the next story, suffice to say, it's a couple who met on, wait for it, the Ian Beale Facebook page. For non-UK residents, Ian Beale is a character on a soap called Eastenders. Mandy knew Kieron was her soulmate, she says, because she could see he "was as obsessed by the Eastenders star as I was!"

It turns out he has gender dysphoria and is a virgin while she is a 30 year old living at home with her parents. When they decide to meet, her parents drive her to meet him.

Draw your own conclusions.

And then check out this photo.

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I'll say no more.

Finally, I'll leave you with this advert for a Tweety necklace.

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Let me know if you want one and I'll send you the details. They're only £90. Bargain.

Saturday 15 June 2013

The time I met Danda at the airport

A little while ago, Danda jetted off into the sun for some Portugal-based fun. I was supposed to be away at the same time but due to some nonsense rules in Texas prisons, I had to postpone it. So I was here and Danda went and had beach fun with family.

On the day Richard was due home, his flight was getting in at 23.15. I left the house at about 10pm and, anticipating boredom, took a Narnia book with me, Prince Caspian to be exact. Now Prince Caspian is a pretty good book, not very like the film apart from the basic story. There is no romance between Caspian and Susan and no rivalry between Caspian and Peter.

Anyway, there I was, on one train then the next, head in my book, wondering if Prince Caspian would beat Miraz and would Aslan come back and help by waking up the trees. There was a lot going on, you know?!

I got to Gatwick and took the shuttle from the South Terminal to the North, head in my book. I got to the North Terminal and looked on the arrivals screen. Danda's plane had landed and the baggage was in the baggage hall. He'd be about fifteen minutes yet. I might as well chill for a few minutes.

There was a Costa coffee next to a doorway and a sign saying 'UK arrivals' above it. Well, I thought, he is arriving and we are in the UK. That must be where he's coming out. I grabbed a bottle of water, sat within view of the doorway and got reading.

Then Danda called.

"Hi, have you landed?"

"Yeh, where are you?" Danda asked.

Now I'm a girl who loves doing surprises. I love them! I think that's why I love Hide and Seek so much. And that's why I said, "Just reading on the sofa."

"Ok, I've just come out so I'll be ages yet."

O, he's only just come off the plane so he'll be a little while yet, I thought, whilst burying my head in my book again. Still, no-one had come out of the gate I was sitting by, which I thought was a bit wierd. I gave it another ten minutes, then thought something was up. I got up and walked to the arrivals screen and suddenly saw it... The international arrivals gate....

Ah, UK arrivals meant arrivals from other flights within the UK... Not just that we are in the UK. Of course we're in the bloody UK. As if they would have specified where we are!? Hmm... Top dunce points to Laura.

So I needed to be at the international arrivals gate, not the UK arrivals gate... To be fair, they're not that far apart so it's not like I was miles away but I was all taken up with Prince Caspian so I was oblivious to it all.

I stood outside the international arrivals gate for a minute but felt something was wrong. There was no-one coming out. I had to give up my surprise fun and just call Danda...

"Danda, where are you?"

"I'm just on the bus to the car park to pick up the taxi. Why?"

"I'm standing at the international arrivals gate...."

"No! At Gatwick? You're there?"

"Yes, I came to surprise you but I've missed you."

"O no! Let me get the taxi and come back for you. Where exactly are you stand..... beeeeeeeep."

His phone died. I called back. Nothing. Just the answerphone. Again and again. Eventually I just had to go out to the road and hang about, hoping he would be able to find me.

So for ten minutes, I stood there, in front Gatwick airport, stranded and unsure whether I'd be picked up.

That's right, I came to meet Danda at the airport and I ended up stranded, waiting for Danda to pick me up.

Well done, Laura. Well done.

*He found me quite easily and I invented a cover story about having just been at the toilet when he came out the gate. It made me sound less stupid.

Friday 14 June 2013

My walk to Ham House

I do this walk once or twice a week when I go to Ham House to volunteer and I love it. Once I've got out of town, I hit the river and this is the best part of the walk....

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Through Buccleuch Gardens....


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Out the other side and along the edge of Petersham Meadows...


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Petersham Meadows on my left and the Thames on my right...


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Cows in Petersham Meadows...


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Ducks on the path...


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The Thames, behind a ton of forage-able dock leaves....


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Horses came here recently!


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Marble Hill House on the opposite side of the river so I know Ham House is soon....


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When I see an open space in the trees ahead on the left, I know Ham House is only another minute away...


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Sure enough...


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The little bridge....


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The trees are hiding the house...


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Horses from the riding school next door....


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Almost....


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There it is!


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To the right of the front door, the windows you can see at the bottom here, those are the kitchen windows! I spend all day looking out at feet!


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I take the side gate around the building (that's my kitchen window again, bottom left)...


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... Which brings me to the door the volunteers use to get in, the black one on the left....


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I then go down a few steps to the bathroom area....


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... Into the eerily quiet and empty downstairs, which contains the bathroom, the beer cellar, the kitchen and the mess rooms...


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Turning left, I get into the scullery, which then opens out into my favourite room in Ham House....


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The kitchen! This is where I spend all my time baking, the room I know most about and the place where I feel most comfortable, whilst working at the...


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Beautiful and huge old table, built in the kitchen in 1610 using elm wood from an elm tree on the estate. This table is my favourite thing in the house. And probably my favourite table of all the tables I have known.

Readers, if you do not yet have a favourite table, I suggest you get onto it.

And that is my journey, once or twice a week. It's quite nice, as it happens.