In conversation with Danda

Me: "Look, the weather is getting a bit warmer, the grass is growing again."
Danda: "Grass? You don't pronounce it like that. You say graarss."
Me: "But that doesn't make sense. If the language inventors had wanted us to say grass with a long 'a' they would have added another 'r' in after the 'a'."
Danda: "No, no, no. That's how it's pronounced. Trust me."
Me: "Wait a minute, you say 'fat' with a short 'a', yes?"
Danda: "Yes...."
Me: "But then 'fast' as though it has an 'r' in it. Farst. That's illogical, why one and not the other?"
Danda: "It's erm, well it's because, obviously, it's because there's an 's' after the 'a', so you say it differently."
Me: "There's not always an 's' though. What about 'handbag', why isn't it 'harndbarg'? But then it is 'arfternoon'?"
Danda, floundering slightly: "That's different. That's because of the, erm, the 'n' and the 'g' in 'handbag'."
Me: "It doesn't make a lot of sense really does it, when you think about it?"
Danda: "Yeh, it does. Marybe you just don't arppreciate the finer quarlities of the English larnguarge."
Me: "Thart's probably it. I'll marke more of arn effort to speak properly from now on."