An imaginary conversation with the star of this week's Chat

Imagine the scene. You're at a pub, let's say, with some friends. It's one of those things where you're all sitting around, you're comfortably tipsy, people start name-dropping, you know the type of thing I mean. One person mentions their brush past a local politician ten years ago and soon everyone's at it.

"Well, yes, of course Brad Pitt's always around town now because he's bought that house down the road."

"O really? You know, I get the same thing when I serve Ian McKellan a coffee every morning. Yes. Didn't I mention? Yes, he gets a cappuccino, no chocolate."

"I totally saw Gary Barlow the other day on the train. I said hi to him. He seemed really lovely."

"Well, my cousin's mum's nan is Cilla Black so we're always seeing celebs. Yeh, totally."

And then.... The claim to beat all claims.... One of your gang pipes up with, "I was in Chat the other week."

Wowzers. Everyone is floored. What better claim to fame is there than that?!

"Amazing! What were you in it for?" you ask.

"O, I was the fat bloke on the front cover with a massive hangy fat section where my skin was all loose and stretchy."





"O. Ok. And what did you talk about in the story?"

"All about how I had low self confidence so I started to eat more and then I had no-one and nothing and thought 'what's the point' and hated myself and couldn't even look at myself in a mirror. My sister was in the story too, talking about how her boobs are just flaps of skin that she rolls up and puts inside her bra to try and make it look like proper boobs."





"Great. Uh. So what did you do about it? When you hated yourself and couldn't stand the sight of yourself and felt really self conscious?"

"O, I went straight to Chat, of course. I told them all about it and they printed a really super massive picture of me with no clothes on and told my story."





"Did that help?"

"I dunno. But that's not the point is it? The point is that Chat is always the place to go with all your woes. And also, now I'm famous. That's my life's work, right there. I am an achiever. I have done things and achieved things. I am The Chat Man."





"Good one.... *aside to other friend* your Cilla Black story was better."

And now imagine that that man is you. Imagine that's the single interesting thing you have done in your life. Depressing.