What runs through my head when I'm working in the kitchen

Ok, 8am, we're open. I'm in the kitchen. Great. I love working in the kitchen. All the food! Right, get set up, chopping board, knives, tongs, ready to go. Come on, where are the orders, the customers? Come on, come on! I'm ready! Let's do this!

Ermmm... what should I do now? I guess I'll wash a few dishes. La lala. Wash, wash, wash. A plate, some mugs, a spoon. Done. What now? O! Ok! There's an order! I can hear someone making an order. Great. I'm ready. Let's go.

It's a full breakfast. Woop! Hob on, bacon in pan, crack two eggs in another. Sausages, tomato and mushrooms in oven. Heat the plate a little. Toast in. Which toast? White! Ok, it's in. We're on. Check the eggs. Turn the bacon.

O wait a minute, another order just came in. Scrambled eggs and bacon. Two more peices of bacon in the bacon pan. Another peice of bread in the toaster. Crack some eggs into another. Bit of cream. Salt. Pepper. Whisk whisk whisk. And on the heat. Keep whisking, don't let it stick to the bottom. O wait, the sausages and tomatoes and mushrooms are ready for the first breakfast. But the toast hasn't popped up yet! It ages from being done. And the fried eggs still aren't ready to go. Ok, swish the oil around a bit to cook the top of them. The bacon is done. O man, half the first breakfast is done. Ok, no probs. Keep everything hot. O wait, stop swishing the fried egg oil! The scrambled eggs need whisking so they don't stick. One hand doing that, the other hand doing everything else which needs doing.

Can I hear someone else making an order at the till? What?! No! O no, it's a bacon sandwich to go! I haven't any hobs left and no space in the bacon pan! Why? Why couldn't they just get a croissant or something?! O my goodness! Why are they all here? I don't understand why they can't just time themselves so there's a little space in between?

Ok, eggs done, toast done. Get plate with free hand. Everything on the plate for the full breakfast. Need to take it out. But can't leave the scrambled egg pan! O wait, everything's ready for that one. On plate, quickly, butter toast, cut in half. On plate. Both breakfasts done. Go go go!

Back to kitchen. Bacon in pan. Sizzle sizzle sizzle. Bread out. Butter, HP. Bacon on bread. Cut in half. Wrap up. Give to customer. Phew! Breathe out. Done. Clean up a little bit. And now I'm ready to go again. So where are the customers now? Stare around a little bit and look for things to do. Done everything. Where are they? I wish the customers would come back. It's good when there's lots of them. It makes time go faster and keeps me busy.

Is that one?! Is it?! No, they just want coffee. O.... I miss the customers.

The difficult choices you have to make

The subject matter for today is something I spent a lot of time and thought on when I was younger. It's the really big things in life that I used to debate in my mind. I was quite philosophical as a child, as you will see. These are some of the things I weighed up...

Which would be worse?
Never seeing my family again vs Never seeing Neighbours again

Which would be better?
A mobile phone vs A mobile TV (to watch Neighbours on)

When we're playing Neighbours at school, which character do I want to be?
Beth vs Lauren

Which superhero quality is better?
Invisibility vs Flying

Which is my favourite colour?
Purple vs Orange?

Which is my second favourite colour?
Purple vs Orange?

Which would I choose to be?
A centaur vs A flying lion thing (Narnia characters)

Which should I visit first?
Narnia vs The island in the Famous Five

Which Famous Five member do I like the best?
George vs Julian

Which Backstreet Boy do I like the best?
Nick vs AJ

A few of these I've now settled in my mind for, being more grown up, I can obviously see that flying is a way better superhero quality. Just like purple is definitely the best, centaurs are amazing and George is the coolest member of the Famous Five. Phew, I'm glad I've got those things decided, because I now find more pressing things take up my time, like whether I prefer brownies or blondies and whether peppermint tea is better than spearmint. We all have our difficulties and I guess that's the thing I'll have to live with. Hard times.

Why I get up at 5am

Don't worry, I'm not especially different from anyone else. It's not that I'm one of 'those' people, you know, who run fifty miles before going to work, just for fun. I think of people who do that type of thing as being slightly superhuman and different from me. I don't need to worry about aspiring to be like them because I'm just human whereas they're superhuman, so no need to feel inadequate.

No, when I get up at 5am it's more having willpower and liking to be in control. Let me explain.

Let's say I'm due at work at 7am. Option 1 is that I get up around half six, get a quick shower, get dressed, have a cup of tea and some breakfast, brush my teeth, grab my bag and leave the house. If I then finish work at 3pm and go home, I'll be a bit knackered from work so I'll spend a bit of time sitting around staring into space. By the time I've shaken myself into doing something, there's a textbook waiting to be read, so I potter over to it and spend the time until dinner doing that. Make dinner. Sit around being a bit more knackered. Go to bed. That's Option 1.

Option 2. Wake up a few hours before I need to be awake and while I'm fresh and lively and listening to the birds sing outside, do something physical (nothing that requires too much exertion though, remember I'm not superhuman, just human). Something gentle like go for a walk or do some yoga. Then once I've done that I sit down at the computer and write my blog. By the time I've done those two things there's usually about 45 mins left before work. So I do a bit of studying/working on essays etc while having breakfast and a cup of tea. Then about fifteen minutes before I need to leave for work I get a quick shower, dress, teeth, bag, out of the door. When I get home from work later, I've already done my studying so there's no guilt factor in sitting around, if I want to. I often spend this time baking, making jam, reading or something similar.

For me, Option 1 is fine but my whole day just runs on automatic. I've not made that day my own. I've just kind of been a bystander whilst running to and fro. Option 2 starts my day off by doing things that I want to do. If I wanted to spend that whole two hours reading a good book, I could. It's about having control of how I spend my time and the choice to start my day as I please, not just how I have to. Also, by doing all the things I like to, first thing in the morning, the rest of my day is free to do other things I like (more often than not, food-related).

When I say to people I'm getting up at 5am the next day, they marvel, they gasp, their eyes grow wide with admiration. It's not actually a big effort at all. When the alarm beeps, I snooze it once or twice, because I've never in my life got up on the first beep I don't think, and then I just think, 'The next two hours, until the rest of the world wakes up, is mine, what shall I do with it today?' Plus, my brain starts ticking immediately while I work out what to write on my blog and pretty soon I'm itching to get at the computer!

The life I almost had - Part 3

Another career I pursued quite seriously when I was younger was as a presenter. I had my own TV programme. This one's quite embarrassing so be supportive, please....

The show was called 'Parents, Get Out' and I presented it from my bed, the ceiling being the camera. I would start by saying, 'ok kids, it's time for the parents to get out!' and the TV would have a sensor so it could detect any adults in the room. I wouldn't start the show until I could see that all the parents had gone.

I'd then spend the next hour (actually I don't know how long it really was but it felt like ages) talking about kid's stuff. I don't know what exactly I chatted about. The best part is that I did it all in a faux American accent, which I thought I was pretty good at.

I had 'co-presenters' too. Two guys called John and Nathan, I think. In the middle of an item I was presenting I'd stop and hold my hand to my ear and go "Ok John, that's fascinating, great, yeh, I'll hand over to you now. Kids, here's John, he's got a great story for us." And then I'd lie there looking at the camera (ceiling) for a few minutes, in silence, while I imagined the other news story going on.

I think I was pretty loud in my presenting as I distinctly remember being told to quieten down and go to sleep. They probably just thought I was being cute, chatting to myself. They probably didn't realise I was live on air.

I don't know how long the programme ran for but I remember doing it for a long time, enough to perfect my pretend accent. Maybe the TV company took us off air because we were too successful, we were stealing all the viewers. It was probably jealousy and a feeling of inferiority from others which got us shut down.

Well, maybe if I hit 40 and I've not achieved worldwide domination of the music charts or become a bestselling author, I know I've got that to fall back on. It's always good to have a back up plan.

Can I have a word - Part 2

Another contribution from the reader who gave us last week's 'Can I have a word?'


Here’s a quote from Alice Through The Looking Glass (1872):

‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said in a rather scornful tone, ‘it means just what I want it to mean – neither more nor less’. I wasn’t going to use it but on reflection (see what I did there?) I think it’s quite appropriate. You’ll see why

I was writing last time (Weds 28.3.12) about words, communication and authors using uncommon words. I’ve been thinking about how this could apply, imaginatively, to the overpopulated towns and cities in the world of words. In this world of words (from now on abbreviated to WOW) you still need to travel about so you can work to earn money & learn more. A good way to travel around WOW is by public transport – on what are called word-buses. The government in WOW want to improve people’s knowledge and introduced this innovative scheme: the bus driver will only let you on if you can give him the definition of the word on the front of the bus.

When I travelled into work the other day the first bus along was the “honey-bus” – a man at the front of the queue was saying good-bye to his girlfriend, Maggie, but as she went to get on the bus he pulled her back and said to me, “I can’t let Maggie go!” I looked at the advert for Nimble bread on the side of the bus and wondered if I’d seen her before - eating a sandwich strapped in a harness hanging under a hot air balloon flying across the countryside…

Next along was the “magic-bus” and Who was on that one? Not sure, but I could see Roger & Pete looking through the window; the next one was the “novel-bus” going to ‘The Old Curiosity Shop’ but who the dickens would want to go there - David Copperfield maybe? But shouldn’t he have got on the bus before this one?; next up was the “sesquipedalian-bus” which was nearly empty so I got on that one. (See “Can I have a Word?” (part 1) if you don’t know what it means).

However I know what will happen – everyone will see that empty bus and learn what that word means so they can get on it next time; and then that bus will get full; and then people will start learning a new word so they can get on a less crowded bus. Perhaps it will work; perhaps the government’s plan will increase individuals’ vocabularies after all.

Standing at the bus stop one day, I met a man called Dick and he was able to get on any bus that came along. I was impressed. If I saw a word on a bus I didn’t know I just asked him. He explained it and I could then get on. For example along came the “Porphry-bus” and he got me on; the next day the “Psephology-bus” and he got me on that one.

After a while, he’d got me onto loads of buses with odd words on the front. I was amazed. I could control my curiosity no longer – “What’s your full name?” I asked. “Just Dick,” he replied quietly. “You have to tell me your surname”, I persisted. “Ok…. it’s Shunnery” he said walking away, dressed in his red and blue jacket with white lettering on. “You can look me up some time, if you want to find out more,” he said. Odd name I thought to myself – Dick Shunnery! I found out later that he works in a legal practice called The Chambers. That’s why people sometimes refer to him as “The Chambers” Dick Shunnery! Sounds quite authoritative, doesn’t it? (By the way the boss of that legal office is a man called Barry Sturr and he has an assistant who he always sticks up for - Laura Norder!).

So, if you want to make sure you can get on any word-bus that comes along, try and meet this guy, Dick, and make friends with him. He also told me the word ‘bus’ is actually short for omnibus which is Latin, meaning ‘for all’; now I know why it’s always crowded!

It’s great living in… WOW! And don’t forget, whether you like it or not, you live there too and you’ll have to use those word-buses. Will you learn some more words so you can get on more buses? You might not see me, though, because I’ll be on one of those with plenty of empty seats. I’ve been learning some more of those unusual words, from my friend Dick, you see.

Can I have a word? Yes, speak to Dick – he’s got loads. Oh, and thanks Humpty for the ‘word-bus’.

What runs through my head when I go for a walk

Ok, I'm going to go for a walk now. O but maybe it's too cold. Shall I read my book for a bit longer? No, go for a walk. But, erm, my comfy trousers for walking in aren't washed. Ok, Laura, just wear different trousers.

Right, I'm out! I'm out of the house. I'm off. Uphill. I've forgotten my earphones, which is a disaster, I can't listen to any music. Just keep going, it's not that big a problem. Why are these children getting in my way? Can't they see I'm walking?

I'm a bit bored now. It's only been three and a half minutes, just get to the river then walk home. I don't want to. Just do it. Ok then. I'm warming up actually, this is quite nice. My legs are a bit bored of going uphill though. Where's the river? It's so far! I can't be bothered! I think I've done long enough now. Ten minutes is more than enough! Yeh, it'll be fine, I need to go home and study anyway.

O look! There's the river! It's so pretty. Aaaaahh, I'm going to at least get to the river. O look how the sun reflects off the river. I'm going to walk along it for a while. I love walking next to the river. I love walking. Look at the lovely children, I'll just stop to let them pass. I wonder if I could walk alllll day? I could go on a walking holiday somewhere! Trek a mountain range or something. I'd be so happy. Could I give up my job and just walk all day, every day? Just keep going next to the river for the whole day and see where I end up, and get the train home or something? Let me take a few pictures, what a lovely view. Quickly post them onto Facebook so people think I'm like one of those naturey people who's at one with the earth and loves exercising.

I'll walk to the next bridge I reckon, cross it, then walk back. That'll be nice. Ah, it's so lovely outside. Get rid of the jumper because I'm quite warm now. Um, where's the next bridge actually? I've been going for ages and I can't even see it. Hm. I can't turn back, that's like admitting defeat. Must. Keep. Going. It's actually the afternoon now, omygoodness I might die on this walk. It's been hours now! I'll probably be found by another walker in a few months time, in a heap at the side of the path, exhausted and surviving off scraps that birds and badgers have brought me to keep me alive.

That's it. I'm calling someone who knows the river better than me. Sure enough, they confirm that the next bridge is probably another half hour walk away. But I can't turn back, that's out of the question. I've reached the bridge. Ugh. Cross it. Now have to walk the whole distance back again! This is the worst walk I've ever been on! I hate walking.

Ok, I'm walking back, speed up a bit, it's homeward bound. It will be ok. My legs are extremely bored by now. It doesn't seem too far on the way back actually. There's the bridge near home! Woop! I'm close. Ahhhh, over the bridge and bye bye river, I'm off home for a much needed cup of tea. I can slow to a stroll now. Omygoodness, I've been out for almost FIVE hours! Oops. Well, it'll be fine, the study isn't going anywhere. I feel quite good actually, I'm not in that much of a rush to get home. What a lovely day and what a lovely walk. That was sooo nice. I really enjoyed that. Mmmmm, time for a cup of tea.

Bungee jumping in Africa

When I was younger I was, as most people are, a lot more hyperactive. I was constantly excited by something, looking for an adventure. My first big adventure was my gap year. I had been saying for ages before that, in a nonchalent 'yeh-I'm-crazy-and-wacky-what-of-it' type of way that I wanted to do all these extreme sports. White water rafting, sky diving, bungee jumping, anything, you name it, I'd rave with enthusiasm about how 'cool' that sounded and I'd definitely do it given half a chance.

So I'm on my gap year. It's the last month or so and we decide to do a bit of travelling before heading home. We were in Namibia and had already been to South Africa for our previous break so decided to head north this time, up to Zambia. I couldn't wait, Victoria Falls, it was going to be amazing. Amazing! I was so excited! Always excited! Yeh! Woo! (I must have actually been quite insufferable.)

We got there and we had about six days, I think, to spend in Livingstone. We started looking around for exciting things to do. We went to music performances, ate Zambian food and marvelled at their money, which consisted entirely of notes, and tons of them! Getting a fiver out of the cash machine gave you a handful! There was even a note which was equivalent to 0.2 of a penny! I think I still have one somewhere.

Then we noticed a few leaflets for extreme sports type of things on the Zambezi River and around the Victoria Falls bridge. And then it was time for me to do some of the things I'd been going on about, when they didn't seem like a possibility. We white water rafted the Zambezi one day, which wasn't too scary as it's not really turbulent the whole way, a lot of the time you spend just paddling along the still waters singing aloud and looking at the crocodiles lounging around on the rocks, eyeing you up.

Then came the big one. We went to the Victoria Falls bridge to sight-see... and there were people jumping off it! That's right, there was a bungee jump off the bridge. It claimed to be the highest from a bridge in the world! And Lucy reminded me that I'd always said I wanted to do one... hadn't I? Yes indeed, I had, yes, that's right. Well let's go and do it then, I can't wait.

Before I knew it I'd paid my £40ish and been stood in a queue on the bridge. And then there I was, toddling onto this little platform and getting my ankles tied together. And I thought, damn me and my big mouth. So now they're tied together and I'm shuffling to the edge of the platform and I'm looking down and I can see the Zambezi underneath me with teeny tiny little people white water rafting, in boats that I knew were quite big, so their smallness from up here just confirmed how high up I was.

I got ready for the pep talk, you know, you think they're gonna give you the low down, let you psyche yourself up then say, jump when you're ready. But no! As I got to the edge and looked out, I heard a voice behind me say "Hold your arms out straight when you jump. Ok! THREE! TWO! ONE!" And I just had to go....

I remember thinking, "I've just paid £40 to die." If I could have stopped time and gently stepped back onto the platform, I would have.

But I couldn't! And I was just hurtling down and down, turning upside down, arms out, screaming in terror. About half way down, the scream caught in my throat and my mouth stayed open, silently, in horror. I got to the bottom and bounced up and down wildly, my heart beating frantically when suddenly someone appeared on a rope thingy, grabbed me and we were both hauled back up.

I remember later in the day, reliving the experience and having the fear all over again! Every so often, though, I think, well that was over eight years ago, I'd probably be fine to do one again. The fear has been forgotten now, surely? I've not tested my theory but I certainly think carefully before saying I really want to do something! Although I have also skydived a few times so I didn't learn my lesson that well!