Why don't I have a Michelin star yet?

Ok, so who is organising this nonsense? Where's my bloody Michelin star? I shake my proverbial fist at you, food gods. It's not like I don't try. I do try. Very hard. Look (those breadsticks and crackers are all homemade)...





And look....





And look...





Yes, Mr Michelin, I made that. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you. That is homemade walnut and honey semifreddo you can see on the far right there. It's all homemade, Mr Michelin. Including the cantuccini.

You want more? I got more.





And more...





All homemade. Even the pasta.

Now, Michel Roux and Rene Redzepi, because I know you're both reading, it's no good pretending you don't, could you two sort this thing out for me. I honestly don't get what's taking so long.

Rene, I'm right up your street. I'd fit in perfectly at Noma. Did I tell you I foraged some nettles the other day?! Yeh. You see? That's changed your mind, hasn't it? I even bought a book about foraging today. A book, that's right! Shit just got serious.

Now go get this thing sorted, people! I'll keep an eye on the post.

Thanks, guys.