Pragmatic (by a teacher)
A goddess (after a brief encounter with another student at uni)
Lucille Ball (a fellow blogger)
Bill Bailey (my secondary school drama teacher)
Oops-a-daisy Maisey (all the boys at primary school)
The hostess with the mostess (guests for dinner)
An athlete (an old boyfriend)
A maverick (as above)
A slut (my mother, when she saw me in a short skirt one day)
Mayonnaisey (boys at school again)
Stubborn (most people who have spent a lot of time in close quarters with me)
Manipulative (my mother)
Sexy (a man I went on one date with)
Inspirational (an old friend from uni)
A grandma (most of my close female friends, at one time or another)
Nanny Maisey (my friend’s grandchildren)
Crazy (colleagues)
Talkative (most people, probably)
Patient (new staff at work)
Angelina Jolie (a local Namibian guy, whilst trying to persuade me to buy something from him)
Fat Legs (some young boys in the street, when I was about 17)
Uncaring (my mother)
Naufiku (the African name I was given when living in Namibia, it means 'born in the evening')
Extra rarge (a Chinese lady near the Great Wall, who was trying to sell me a t-shirt. When I said 'no, thanks' and walked away, she yelled out, in desperation, "I have extra rarge!")
Hilarious and probably the funniest girl in the world (me, suggesting to other people the words they might use to describe me)
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Friday, 9 November 2012
What a little girl said to me recently (and a truffle story)
"Laura. I was in the playground and there was some writing on the slide. I think some bigger boys did it. Naughty boys. And there was a policeman so I told him and I said, 'Come with me, Mr Policeman,' and I showed him the slide and he said those boys were very naughty and he's going to find them and tell them off."
Hilarious! A 3-year-old crime fighter! Apparently, she took the Mr Policeman by the hand and showed him the graffiti and gave him a look that said 'So what are you going to do about it?' All the while, her mother hid behind the climbing frame and pretended she wasn't with her.
And now, for a little cheat. I have been writing my NaNoWriMo religiously since November 1st, hitting exactly or slightly over the 1,667 wordcount every day, which means I'm now at 13,605 words. With all this writing, I thought to myself, "Surely there's a way to double up here, hit two birds with one stone and all that?" So occasionally, during November, I may post something from my NaNoWriMo, if I'm feeling a little too lazy to write for both.
The following is a truffle story I wrote about the first time I ordered truffle butter for myself.
"I ordered my first two sticks of truffle butter online, one black, one white and they arrived a few days later. I immediately took them out of the box, peeled back the packet and smelled them. It was heavenly.
I was in work, where they had been delivered and an Italian customer came in. Him and I would discuss food every time he came in as I love cooking Italian food and had recently been to Rome and he loved food and cooking too. In my excitement, I grabbed the stick of black truffle butter when I saw him and showed him. I handed it over, telling him to peel open the pack and smell it and he mistook it for me giving him the butter! He took it, smelled it, wrapped it back up and put it in his bag.
A hot flush ran over my entire body. He was quite shy and I didn't know him very well, not enough to berate him jokingly and take it back off him. I needed the truffle butter that evening as I had a friend coming over for dinner and was planning to use it. I didn't know how to get it back though. I stood in horror as I watched him say something I couldn't hear, because the blood pumping in my ears was too loud. I realised he was thanking me for the butter.
“O god, o god, o god. Give me back my truffle butter!” I screamed at him, silently.
In blind panic, I said, “Let me just show you something on the butter, look,” gesturing toward his bag and, thankfully, he took it out, looking quizzically at the packaging. I, maybe too frantically, took the butter from him and scarpered back behind the till, grabbing one of the little takeaway pots we used for putting food in and cutting him off a small section of butter. I put the butter safely out of reach and offered him the cut off section attempting to look generous while he was probably wondering why I was being so odd. I then pretended something urgent was happening in the kitchen and ran off, clutching my truffle butter so hard, my knuckles had turned white.
That was the closest shave I've ever had, in terms of food."
Hilarious! A 3-year-old crime fighter! Apparently, she took the Mr Policeman by the hand and showed him the graffiti and gave him a look that said 'So what are you going to do about it?' All the while, her mother hid behind the climbing frame and pretended she wasn't with her.
And now, for a little cheat. I have been writing my NaNoWriMo religiously since November 1st, hitting exactly or slightly over the 1,667 wordcount every day, which means I'm now at 13,605 words. With all this writing, I thought to myself, "Surely there's a way to double up here, hit two birds with one stone and all that?" So occasionally, during November, I may post something from my NaNoWriMo, if I'm feeling a little too lazy to write for both.
The following is a truffle story I wrote about the first time I ordered truffle butter for myself.
"I ordered my first two sticks of truffle butter online, one black, one white and they arrived a few days later. I immediately took them out of the box, peeled back the packet and smelled them. It was heavenly.
I was in work, where they had been delivered and an Italian customer came in. Him and I would discuss food every time he came in as I love cooking Italian food and had recently been to Rome and he loved food and cooking too. In my excitement, I grabbed the stick of black truffle butter when I saw him and showed him. I handed it over, telling him to peel open the pack and smell it and he mistook it for me giving him the butter! He took it, smelled it, wrapped it back up and put it in his bag.
A hot flush ran over my entire body. He was quite shy and I didn't know him very well, not enough to berate him jokingly and take it back off him. I needed the truffle butter that evening as I had a friend coming over for dinner and was planning to use it. I didn't know how to get it back though. I stood in horror as I watched him say something I couldn't hear, because the blood pumping in my ears was too loud. I realised he was thanking me for the butter.
“O god, o god, o god. Give me back my truffle butter!” I screamed at him, silently.
In blind panic, I said, “Let me just show you something on the butter, look,” gesturing toward his bag and, thankfully, he took it out, looking quizzically at the packaging. I, maybe too frantically, took the butter from him and scarpered back behind the till, grabbing one of the little takeaway pots we used for putting food in and cutting him off a small section of butter. I put the butter safely out of reach and offered him the cut off section attempting to look generous while he was probably wondering why I was being so odd. I then pretended something urgent was happening in the kitchen and ran off, clutching my truffle butter so hard, my knuckles had turned white.
That was the closest shave I've ever had, in terms of food."
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Laura's top tips
A few days ago, I was reading Chat and I came across some top tips that were madness. For example, eat your kiwi fruit out of an egg cup. That was it. That was the whole tip and it won £25. So I thought to myself, "Wait a minute, I can do this too." So now, especially for you, I present Laura's Top Tips! Enjoy.
Got short hair and want it longer? Stand next to a horse's tail and drape it over your shoulder. Everyone will think it is your hair!
Running out of milk and bread at home? Take £3 and go to the shop and get some more!
Hair too curly all the time? Buy straighteners and straighten it.
Jumper got a hole in it? Fill it in with paper machier. No-one will be able to tell the difference.
Feeling ill? Take some medicine! You will be better in no time.
Got floorboards on your floor and fed up of hoovering all the time? Just sweep the dirt into a pile and brush it down the gaps in between the floorboards.
Getting cold in the evenings? Keep a Downstairs Duvet next to the sofa and snuggle under it when it starts getting chilly.
Worried about what to cook for dinner? Use a cookbook!
Ever wonder why your clothes take ages to dry when they're in a pile on the ground? Put them over a clothes horse individually and wait until dry.
Bored? Read a book!
That's it for today. I don't want to overload your brain with my amazing tips so I'll do some more another day. Good luck with the tips, I hope they help you.
Got short hair and want it longer? Stand next to a horse's tail and drape it over your shoulder. Everyone will think it is your hair!
Running out of milk and bread at home? Take £3 and go to the shop and get some more!
Hair too curly all the time? Buy straighteners and straighten it.
Jumper got a hole in it? Fill it in with paper machier. No-one will be able to tell the difference.
Feeling ill? Take some medicine! You will be better in no time.
Got floorboards on your floor and fed up of hoovering all the time? Just sweep the dirt into a pile and brush it down the gaps in between the floorboards.
Getting cold in the evenings? Keep a Downstairs Duvet next to the sofa and snuggle under it when it starts getting chilly.
Worried about what to cook for dinner? Use a cookbook!
Ever wonder why your clothes take ages to dry when they're in a pile on the ground? Put them over a clothes horse individually and wait until dry.
Bored? Read a book!
That's it for today. I don't want to overload your brain with my amazing tips so I'll do some more another day. Good luck with the tips, I hope they help you.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Brave new supermarket
It's Wednesday and time for my guest Blogger to take over again. Enjoy it!
I’ve borrowed two-thirds of the title for this week from, as you will know doubt recognise, the famous Aldous Huxley novel. This is not because I’m going to try and emulate his literary prowess but because the words encapsulate what I’m going to write about today. You will need to have a good and creative imagination but I hope you will be able to embrace the idea that follows.
However, before getting “stuck in”, as we say, I couldn’t resist a couple of bits of trivia connections. You may remember the blog on 27.9.12 (The Lion Saltworks and Anderton Boat Lift) which mentioned the discovery of polythene at one of the Brunner Mond Company sites in Northwich (Cheshire). Well, in the 1920s, Aldous Huxley actually worked for a time at another Brunner Mond chemical plant in Billingham (Teeside, North-East England) and it is believed that the name of his character Mustapha Mond (in Brave New World) owes something to his experience there. (Mustapha comes from Mustapha Kemal Atatürk, 1881-1938, the first president of Turkey.) In a previous blog, 20.6.12 (The end of freedom) I mentioned Plato’s The Republic in which he wrote about the way society would function better if people were categorised into different classes. The difficulty for us is that he wanted people to remain within that class for the duration of their lives. Huxley takes up this theme but goes even further with the idea. The State will control the birth process of human beings who would fulfil each of the functions required; further control was to be imposed by limiting how far each person could develop intellectually & physically in order to prevent people moving from that particular class. Now we’re seriously into eugenics.
Ok so back to today’s subject. You remember the blog 17.10.12 (The reality (?) of mobile phones)in which I mentioned my frustrations on a supermarket visit. I was thinking of how, when the shop gets crowded, people are bumping into each other’s trolleys and can’t get to shelves because people are blocking their way. I also did think about a way round this and this is where my new scheme, my original idea, comes in. Before you dismiss it just think about it and I hope you will see the advantages.
The first thing to say is that what you are about to read is revolutionary, in more ways than one. (You will see why soon enough.) Instead of going into the shop you will remain outside at all times. (The outside area will of course be covered so in bad weather you are protected from the elements.)
You begin by backing your car into a marked bay which is at right angles to the shop. Once in the bay a barrier comes down in front of your car which does not lift until you have paid the bill. The marked bay is close to a revolving belt, similar to the idea in an airport at the baggage reclaim but in this case it is horizontal not angled. The customer chooses the items they want from a computer touch screen next to their parking bay and revolving belt. This belt moves clockwise in a rectangular loop into one end of the shop and out of the other. Inside there is a belt down the centre of each aisle which goes back underneath to the start point of the aisle. It’s a vertical loop instead of the horizontal one which takes the stuff outside. There is sufficient space either side of the belt for staff to walk up and down to the items required by the customers outside. It is slightly higher than the main belt and at right angles to it. It deposits items picked onto the rectangular loop which then carries the item outside to the waiting customers who simply pick them up and scan them before putting them in their bags or directly into their car boot. Each item has the bay number which ordered it on a sticky label or tag. The customer then scans it to confirm the order or replaces it if not right item. Once you have all your items you simply press “Finish & Pay”. (Remember the barrier won’t lift on the parking bay until you have paid.) Here is a rough drawing of how the system would look. Please excuse the quality (art is not one of my gifts – and I did say rough):
Line drawing of scheme at supermarket
Of course depending on the size of the supermarket they may be able to fit 20, 30 or more cars along the front. I used 15 just for illustration purposes. I’ve also considered the option of allowing people to send their orders through on the internet with an ETA so that most of their stuff, if not all, can be got ready to go on the belt when they are parked in a bay confirming their arrival.
Now just think about that. No more wandering up and down aisles; no more getting blocked by insensitive shoppers on mobile phones or chit-chatting with their friends in the middle of the aisles; no more queuing at the check outs; no more trolley pushing (so shop won’t need them any more!). How good is that?
I feel a visit to the patent office coming on, followed by Tesco, Morrisons, Sainsburys, Asda (Walmart).
I’ve borrowed two-thirds of the title for this week from, as you will know doubt recognise, the famous Aldous Huxley novel. This is not because I’m going to try and emulate his literary prowess but because the words encapsulate what I’m going to write about today. You will need to have a good and creative imagination but I hope you will be able to embrace the idea that follows.
However, before getting “stuck in”, as we say, I couldn’t resist a couple of bits of trivia connections. You may remember the blog on 27.9.12 (The Lion Saltworks and Anderton Boat Lift) which mentioned the discovery of polythene at one of the Brunner Mond Company sites in Northwich (Cheshire). Well, in the 1920s, Aldous Huxley actually worked for a time at another Brunner Mond chemical plant in Billingham (Teeside, North-East England) and it is believed that the name of his character Mustapha Mond (in Brave New World) owes something to his experience there. (Mustapha comes from Mustapha Kemal Atatürk, 1881-1938, the first president of Turkey.) In a previous blog, 20.6.12 (The end of freedom) I mentioned Plato’s The Republic in which he wrote about the way society would function better if people were categorised into different classes. The difficulty for us is that he wanted people to remain within that class for the duration of their lives. Huxley takes up this theme but goes even further with the idea. The State will control the birth process of human beings who would fulfil each of the functions required; further control was to be imposed by limiting how far each person could develop intellectually & physically in order to prevent people moving from that particular class. Now we’re seriously into eugenics.
Ok so back to today’s subject. You remember the blog 17.10.12 (The reality (?) of mobile phones)in which I mentioned my frustrations on a supermarket visit. I was thinking of how, when the shop gets crowded, people are bumping into each other’s trolleys and can’t get to shelves because people are blocking their way. I also did think about a way round this and this is where my new scheme, my original idea, comes in. Before you dismiss it just think about it and I hope you will see the advantages.
The first thing to say is that what you are about to read is revolutionary, in more ways than one. (You will see why soon enough.) Instead of going into the shop you will remain outside at all times. (The outside area will of course be covered so in bad weather you are protected from the elements.)
You begin by backing your car into a marked bay which is at right angles to the shop. Once in the bay a barrier comes down in front of your car which does not lift until you have paid the bill. The marked bay is close to a revolving belt, similar to the idea in an airport at the baggage reclaim but in this case it is horizontal not angled. The customer chooses the items they want from a computer touch screen next to their parking bay and revolving belt. This belt moves clockwise in a rectangular loop into one end of the shop and out of the other. Inside there is a belt down the centre of each aisle which goes back underneath to the start point of the aisle. It’s a vertical loop instead of the horizontal one which takes the stuff outside. There is sufficient space either side of the belt for staff to walk up and down to the items required by the customers outside. It is slightly higher than the main belt and at right angles to it. It deposits items picked onto the rectangular loop which then carries the item outside to the waiting customers who simply pick them up and scan them before putting them in their bags or directly into their car boot. Each item has the bay number which ordered it on a sticky label or tag. The customer then scans it to confirm the order or replaces it if not right item. Once you have all your items you simply press “Finish & Pay”. (Remember the barrier won’t lift on the parking bay until you have paid.) Here is a rough drawing of how the system would look. Please excuse the quality (art is not one of my gifts – and I did say rough):
Line drawing of scheme at supermarket
Of course depending on the size of the supermarket they may be able to fit 20, 30 or more cars along the front. I used 15 just for illustration purposes. I’ve also considered the option of allowing people to send their orders through on the internet with an ETA so that most of their stuff, if not all, can be got ready to go on the belt when they are parked in a bay confirming their arrival.
Now just think about that. No more wandering up and down aisles; no more getting blocked by insensitive shoppers on mobile phones or chit-chatting with their friends in the middle of the aisles; no more queuing at the check outs; no more trolley pushing (so shop won’t need them any more!). How good is that?
I feel a visit to the patent office coming on, followed by Tesco, Morrisons, Sainsburys, Asda (Walmart).
Tuesday, 6 November 2012
Kiwis, curries and rats with style
It's that time again. Time to see what Chat has to offer this week. Once again, I am blown away by their fabulous witticisms, sprinkled throughout. For example, I open the magazine and the first thing which greets me is a photo of a pig in a picnic basket, with the caption 'designer ham bag?'
Brilliant. There doesn't seem to be any reason why the massive photo of the pig is there, just a little sentence about how the pig looks so comfy, "there's no way we could 'rasher' to go anywhere."
And on we go, to the photos page and there are a few good ones this week. The first is a here-are-some-cupcakes-I-made photo. The second is a here's-me-with-a-huge-plastic-ape picture. And no, I'm not kidding. Someone really thought that the world would be interested in a picture of her with a huge plastic ape. Check it out.
There are some others of dogs cows, which aren't even worth mentioning in any greater detail.
So onward we go, past a story about a girl who had a maggot living in her back and a story of scandal with a 9.9 shock factor (!), to the Blimey, That's Clever page.
And what have we here today? I think my favourite might be the kiwi fruit tip. Put it in an egg cup, we're told. And that's it. That's the tip. Eat a kiwi out of an egg cup. £25 they got for that.
Maybe I'll make up some top tips and try to get £25 from Chat. Watch this space. I'll think some up for tomorrow.
Another of the top tips is to use toothpaste to clean your mugs if they have tea stains. While I can't see anything initially wrong with this, it just sounds a bit dodgy, cleaning a mug with toothpaste. You're bound to have toothpaste-tasting tea for the next few days, I reckon.
Another tip seems to be, my granddaughter chewed the straw bit off her favourite beaker, so I put a new straw in. I don't know whether that really warrants a place on the Blimey, That's Clever page, do you? It's not as though, previously, people have been throwing away their children's beakers every day with no clue how to fix it and then they open Chat, see this tip and go 'Wow! I'll just stick a new straw down the hole where the old straw was. That's genius.'
Next we have some more scandal, a murder, some letters, some weight loss stories and then the baby photos page. Ahhhh, the baby photos page. Photos of babies. Doing nothing at all. Just being babies. A whole page. One is a baby on a slide, one is a baby swimming, another is a baby and a cat, one is two children smiling a bit. A whole page.
To the side of this page, we have the recipe section. Now previously, I have seen some amazing gourmet recipes that opened my eyes to a whole new world. The week they had a recipe for mushrooms on toast was a week that changed my life. This week's recipe? Onion and potato curry.
Mmmm. Doesn't that sound great? Onion and potatoes. In a curry. Like when you look in the fridge and you don't have anything in so you bung together some nonsense and fill up on ice cream afterward. Mmm. Nothing-in-the-fridge curry. The ingredients? Olive oil, 4 potatoes, 2 onions, spices and mustard seeds. And the attraction in making this meal? It's only 54p per head.
Now it doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not 54p because Chat are so great at providing good meals on a budget. It's because there's NOTHING IN IT.
If you want great meals on a budget, I can give you far better, go-to ingredients - squid is really cheap, people. Fry it with fennel. Re-use old bread by chopping tomatoes, adding red wine vinegar and basil and ripping your old bread up and mixing it in for a panzanella salad. If you want a curry, spend your money on some chicken and chuck it in a pan with tomatoes (tinned or fresh) and add whatever combination of spices you find in the cupboard, depending on what country's cuisine you are chanelling.
See? All those will probably be about £1 per person but don't resemble student food or invoke severe depression in the person who is eating it.
Anyway, back to Chat, the finale is the 'Ratwalk models' story on page 46. Yes, RATwalk models. You know what's coming. It's a story about a lady who designs and makes clothes for rats. Yes. Rats. It started with making 'couture creations' for her pet chihuahua, inspired by a dress worn by Penelope Cruz to the Oscars.
A few years later, business was booming, she went full time into her pet clothing designing and her friend asked her to help "raise the profile of her annual rat convention."
Honestly, this is not a joke. It's all true. Her friend runs a yearly rat convention.
So she designed and made the dresses. There was a fashion show with 12 of the 'models'. Post-show, fame and fortune came her way, she got calls from everyone, even David Letterman.
The article finishes with the touching line, "After all, every single pet should feel like a star."
That's something we should all remember as we go on with our days today.
I hope you have learned something here.
Brilliant. There doesn't seem to be any reason why the massive photo of the pig is there, just a little sentence about how the pig looks so comfy, "there's no way we could 'rasher' to go anywhere."
And on we go, to the photos page and there are a few good ones this week. The first is a here-are-some-cupcakes-I-made photo. The second is a here's-me-with-a-huge-plastic-ape picture. And no, I'm not kidding. Someone really thought that the world would be interested in a picture of her with a huge plastic ape. Check it out.
There are some others of dogs cows, which aren't even worth mentioning in any greater detail.
So onward we go, past a story about a girl who had a maggot living in her back and a story of scandal with a 9.9 shock factor (!), to the Blimey, That's Clever page.
And what have we here today? I think my favourite might be the kiwi fruit tip. Put it in an egg cup, we're told. And that's it. That's the tip. Eat a kiwi out of an egg cup. £25 they got for that.
Maybe I'll make up some top tips and try to get £25 from Chat. Watch this space. I'll think some up for tomorrow.
Another of the top tips is to use toothpaste to clean your mugs if they have tea stains. While I can't see anything initially wrong with this, it just sounds a bit dodgy, cleaning a mug with toothpaste. You're bound to have toothpaste-tasting tea for the next few days, I reckon.
Another tip seems to be, my granddaughter chewed the straw bit off her favourite beaker, so I put a new straw in. I don't know whether that really warrants a place on the Blimey, That's Clever page, do you? It's not as though, previously, people have been throwing away their children's beakers every day with no clue how to fix it and then they open Chat, see this tip and go 'Wow! I'll just stick a new straw down the hole where the old straw was. That's genius.'
Next we have some more scandal, a murder, some letters, some weight loss stories and then the baby photos page. Ahhhh, the baby photos page. Photos of babies. Doing nothing at all. Just being babies. A whole page. One is a baby on a slide, one is a baby swimming, another is a baby and a cat, one is two children smiling a bit. A whole page.
To the side of this page, we have the recipe section. Now previously, I have seen some amazing gourmet recipes that opened my eyes to a whole new world. The week they had a recipe for mushrooms on toast was a week that changed my life. This week's recipe? Onion and potato curry.
Mmmm. Doesn't that sound great? Onion and potatoes. In a curry. Like when you look in the fridge and you don't have anything in so you bung together some nonsense and fill up on ice cream afterward. Mmm. Nothing-in-the-fridge curry. The ingredients? Olive oil, 4 potatoes, 2 onions, spices and mustard seeds. And the attraction in making this meal? It's only 54p per head.
Now it doesn't take a genius to work out that it's not 54p because Chat are so great at providing good meals on a budget. It's because there's NOTHING IN IT.
If you want great meals on a budget, I can give you far better, go-to ingredients - squid is really cheap, people. Fry it with fennel. Re-use old bread by chopping tomatoes, adding red wine vinegar and basil and ripping your old bread up and mixing it in for a panzanella salad. If you want a curry, spend your money on some chicken and chuck it in a pan with tomatoes (tinned or fresh) and add whatever combination of spices you find in the cupboard, depending on what country's cuisine you are chanelling.
See? All those will probably be about £1 per person but don't resemble student food or invoke severe depression in the person who is eating it.
Anyway, back to Chat, the finale is the 'Ratwalk models' story on page 46. Yes, RATwalk models. You know what's coming. It's a story about a lady who designs and makes clothes for rats. Yes. Rats. It started with making 'couture creations' for her pet chihuahua, inspired by a dress worn by Penelope Cruz to the Oscars.
A few years later, business was booming, she went full time into her pet clothing designing and her friend asked her to help "raise the profile of her annual rat convention."
Honestly, this is not a joke. It's all true. Her friend runs a yearly rat convention.
So she designed and made the dresses. There was a fashion show with 12 of the 'models'. Post-show, fame and fortune came her way, she got calls from everyone, even David Letterman.
The article finishes with the touching line, "After all, every single pet should feel like a star."
That's something we should all remember as we go on with our days today.
I hope you have learned something here.
Monday, 5 November 2012
The pesto incident
At work, we do a sandwich which has pesto on it, instead of mayonnaise. Well, actually, it's pesto mixed with mayonnaise. We only use it on one sandwich, a chicken and avocado combo which is quite popular. If, for whatever reason, we don't do any of the chicken avocado sandwiches, the pesto mayo doesn't get used.
I think that is what must have happened the day before The Pesto Incident. The pesto mayo had, I think, developed a little skin on it's surface inside the bottle.
I was starting work at 11am that day. I wandered in, all casual from my long lie in and the lovely weather. I was wearing a white summery dress, embracing the sunshine. As soon as I entered, though, I could feel there was a bit of a rush on. The person in the kitchen was evidently having a rubbish time of it and they asked me to take over.
I grabbed an apron and got stuck in. The first sandwich was something fairly straight forward, a pastrami and mustard, or something like that. Next up, the chicken avocado number. Great, I love making this sandwich.
Chicken in pan to warm. Grab bread. On chopping board. Put pesto mayo on bread... I squeezed the bottle but no blob of pesto mayo came out. What was wrong? (Remember that little skin it has got from not being used the day before?) I shook it slightly and squeezed again. It felt like there was something hard pushing back against me. I'd show that pesto mayo. Squeeeeeeeeze! Nothing. What is WRONG with it? Both hands this time. Squeeeeee....
PESTO EXPLOSION!
I looked up in shock, still holding the pesto bomb in my hands.
It. Was. Everywhere. It had hit both walls either side of the kitchen and found it's way, miraculously, into the toaster. The bread on the chopping board was barely visible underneath the pesto mountain which covered it. It had gone on the underside of the shelves which held the crockery and even over to the sink (a fair distance away) and on the wall and taps and drying rack over there.
Then I looked down. It was covering the top half of my apron, my lovely white summer dress and my hair. I had gone for a girly down-do that day, a long plait which had been hanging forward over my shoulder at the time of the explosion. It was now covered in pesto mayo. From the elbows up, my dress was covered with large splats.
Ever the pragmatist, I ignored it all and finished up the sandwich. As I put it on a plate and turned around to take it out, my manager walked into the kitchen and looked at me in shock. Then laughed. Then told me to go home and change.
My hair still smelled like pesto all day.
I think that is what must have happened the day before The Pesto Incident. The pesto mayo had, I think, developed a little skin on it's surface inside the bottle.
I was starting work at 11am that day. I wandered in, all casual from my long lie in and the lovely weather. I was wearing a white summery dress, embracing the sunshine. As soon as I entered, though, I could feel there was a bit of a rush on. The person in the kitchen was evidently having a rubbish time of it and they asked me to take over.
I grabbed an apron and got stuck in. The first sandwich was something fairly straight forward, a pastrami and mustard, or something like that. Next up, the chicken avocado number. Great, I love making this sandwich.
Chicken in pan to warm. Grab bread. On chopping board. Put pesto mayo on bread... I squeezed the bottle but no blob of pesto mayo came out. What was wrong? (Remember that little skin it has got from not being used the day before?) I shook it slightly and squeezed again. It felt like there was something hard pushing back against me. I'd show that pesto mayo. Squeeeeeeeeze! Nothing. What is WRONG with it? Both hands this time. Squeeeeee....
PESTO EXPLOSION!
I looked up in shock, still holding the pesto bomb in my hands.
It. Was. Everywhere. It had hit both walls either side of the kitchen and found it's way, miraculously, into the toaster. The bread on the chopping board was barely visible underneath the pesto mountain which covered it. It had gone on the underside of the shelves which held the crockery and even over to the sink (a fair distance away) and on the wall and taps and drying rack over there.
Then I looked down. It was covering the top half of my apron, my lovely white summer dress and my hair. I had gone for a girly down-do that day, a long plait which had been hanging forward over my shoulder at the time of the explosion. It was now covered in pesto mayo. From the elbows up, my dress was covered with large splats.
Ever the pragmatist, I ignored it all and finished up the sandwich. As I put it on a plate and turned around to take it out, my manager walked into the kitchen and looked at me in shock. Then laughed. Then told me to go home and change.
My hair still smelled like pesto all day.
Sunday, 4 November 2012
What happened when I tried to fix the coffee machine
Yesterday, in work, a customer mentioned that the coffee tasted a bit different recently and that they had preferred it how it used to taste. I had a little think on the problem and thought it might be to do with the grind of the coffee. So I reset the grinder, made an espresso and tasted it, reset it again, made an espresso, tasted it. It went on like so until it reached a point I was happy with. To understand what happened to me during this time, let's get inside my head, which sounded something like this.
"This coffee does taste different. Ok. I'll change the grind just a little bit. O, there's a coffee order. I hope they like it. Right, it's a latte. Done. Let me run myself a coffee. Ummmm. I think it still needs tweaking. O, a customer. Hi! HI! HELLO! What can I get for you? God, I'm really shouting. Reign it in a bit, Laura. They've ordered a coffee. I'll change the grind a little bit again and make myself one at the same time. Sip, sip, it's still not great. Ok, more customers, loads of them. The coffee's kicking in. HI! CAN I HELP ANYONE? A SANDWICH? YEP, WHICH ONE? OK. AND WHICH BREAD? ALRIGHT, TAKE A SEAT AND I'LL BRING IT TO YOU! Try to bring it down a few decibels, Laura. Take the order to the kitchen. I'VE GOT A SANDWICH ORDER FOR IN! HE'S ON TABLE 2! Woah, no need to shout. But I can't help it. I'm still worried about the coffee. Let me try to finish fixing it. Everything's happening quite quickly now. Another espresso, run it and drink it. O, a customer. HIHOWCANIHELPYOUYESOFCOURSEYOUCANHAVEACAPPUCCINOREGULARORLARGEANYSUGARS? Why are people looking at me funny? God, I'm so efficient right now. I am super coffee machine fixer. Has there ever been anyone as speedy and amazing as me? HERE'SYOURCOFFEELARGECAPPUCCINOWITHONESUGARTHANKSHAVEAGREATDAY! Gosh, my eyes feel really wide and staring. Another customer. HIWHATCANIGETFORYOU?ABREAKFASTYESWHATBREADWOULDYOULIKEFORYOURTOAST?ANDACOFFEEYESANAMERICANOOKI'LLBRINGITOVERTOYOU! Wow, time's moving fast. O goodness, and now it's sloooowingggg riiiiight down. My limbs are all really sluggish. I was supposed to leave work at 4pm and I'm still dawdling around in the kitchen at 4.15pm doing not much. Knackered.
Damn that coffee machine....."
"This coffee does taste different. Ok. I'll change the grind just a little bit. O, there's a coffee order. I hope they like it. Right, it's a latte. Done. Let me run myself a coffee. Ummmm. I think it still needs tweaking. O, a customer. Hi! HI! HELLO! What can I get for you? God, I'm really shouting. Reign it in a bit, Laura. They've ordered a coffee. I'll change the grind a little bit again and make myself one at the same time. Sip, sip, it's still not great. Ok, more customers, loads of them. The coffee's kicking in. HI! CAN I HELP ANYONE? A SANDWICH? YEP, WHICH ONE? OK. AND WHICH BREAD? ALRIGHT, TAKE A SEAT AND I'LL BRING IT TO YOU! Try to bring it down a few decibels, Laura. Take the order to the kitchen. I'VE GOT A SANDWICH ORDER FOR IN! HE'S ON TABLE 2! Woah, no need to shout. But I can't help it. I'm still worried about the coffee. Let me try to finish fixing it. Everything's happening quite quickly now. Another espresso, run it and drink it. O, a customer. HIHOWCANIHELPYOUYESOFCOURSEYOUCANHAVEACAPPUCCINOREGULARORLARGEANYSUGARS? Why are people looking at me funny? God, I'm so efficient right now. I am super coffee machine fixer. Has there ever been anyone as speedy and amazing as me? HERE'SYOURCOFFEELARGECAPPUCCINOWITHONESUGARTHANKSHAVEAGREATDAY! Gosh, my eyes feel really wide and staring. Another customer. HIWHATCANIGETFORYOU?ABREAKFASTYESWHATBREADWOULDYOULIKEFORYOURTOAST?ANDACOFFEEYESANAMERICANOOKI'LLBRINGITOVERTOYOU! Wow, time's moving fast. O goodness, and now it's sloooowingggg riiiiight down. My limbs are all really sluggish. I was supposed to leave work at 4pm and I'm still dawdling around in the kitchen at 4.15pm doing not much. Knackered.
Damn that coffee machine....."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)